Shea.

It's been so long since I've logged on here I wondered if it would even remember me- but of course, here we are.

I think I've only posted on here a couple times in the past few years, always close to the kids birthday.  Here we are again. This time though, it's to share something about our other little one, Shea. Today is four years from the day she passed. Just a few minutes from now we had to say our final words to her.  I don't think we really understood what was happening and we definitely didn't understand why. Why was she, the strongest of the three, not fighting like the others? Why were the  doctors not able to help her like they were Baby A and Baby B. Shea was "Baby C" because they essentially deliver the babies in priority sequence- Reilly was A, the sickest of the three who needed the most urgent of care. Chase was next, and then came baby C. 3:00 separated Reilly and Shea. Shea was the only one of the three who cried as they rushed her to the next room. Shea was the only one they showed me. Why her? (Why any of them really. The excuse that there were two others were things I used to say, like it's okay I had two others to focus my attention on, but that was just a coping mechanism. None of it was fair, no matter how many we did or didn't have).

I haven't always been able to talk so openly about this. But last month, alongside a few girls who now will always hold a special part of me, I was given a message from Shea through a medium. Amongst 110 other people, sitting in a crowded room filled with people anxiously hoping to connect with loved ones, one of the three mediums whispered to us- "who has the baby girl". I started shaking. Then she asked, "were you married before she passed, was she at your wedding?" I nervously nodded yes. She said she would come back to us.
For the next 20 minutes I tried hard to pay attention to the other connections happening on the room, but all I could do was watch this medium, Lana, and hope that she would circle back my way soon.
After a few minutes, which felt like an eternity, she did. Walking behind me, she asked again who had the baby girl. She references chronic lung or underdeveloped lungs. Then, she asked the significance of Three. When I was able to speak, and I said they were triplets, she bent down and said "I have your girl". The next five minutes brought more to me than I'll ever be able to explain. She told me that Shea for whatever reason, was only meant to have a short journey with us here. That the tough decisions we had to make, on this very day four years ago, were meant to be made even though they nearly broke us. Lana said Shea kept signalling a small amount with her hands, which meant her journey was only meant to be short. She told me that she is with a close friend of mine now, and that she sees Reilly and Chase. Lana referenced a few other significant things from Shea that I needed to hear, more than I knew. She asked about the small items of Shea's I had brought with me, which let me know that Shea is with me wherever I am.
This year, as the kids birthday approached I didn't feel the big sense of guilt and grief that usually follow it. This year we were able to take the kids to visit her and I was able to talk about it in a new way. I no longer felt guilty driving away from the grave site, as I know that she follows along. While I can still painfully remember the night we had to say goodbye, the immeasurable sense of loss we felt the week that followed, this is not all I'm thinking of this year. I know that Shea is with us. I know that she sees us and that she knows her brother and sister. Instead of always wondering what she would be like on her fourth birthday, I now know that she celebrates with us, as the tiny little 1.7lb angel she is. While I still have to wipe away tears on my screen while writing this, i am so grateful for the connection I've had with her, through Lana. Not only to feel like all of these unanswered questions have been answered, but to know she watches over us, in the arms of another loved one, and that she fulfilled her time here- for whatever reason. I feel closer to her, and so much more at peace. I can't fully explain what it has done for me, but I wanted to share.

To all you mamas with angels up above, they're right there with you. I am too.