Update

I can't believe I haven't posted on here since February. Thats crazy and I'm sorry! I have thought about it- many times, and have been asked about it, but just haven't got around to it. Lots has happened and I wonder if part of me was worried about how to explain it- I've said it before, that when i finally get around to writing updates on here it makes it real, it means I have had to come to terms with things and digest them so that i can explain them to you. To be honest, I've written updates on my computer to post, but thought they were too raw- too emotional for everyone to read.  Ive written blogs in my mind, on dog walks, driving in the car, and at all hours of the night- they just never quite make it here. I'm making it sound like life has been terrible and that its all been bad news since we last caught up, which is not the case at all (the total opposite), but this blog holds a lot of heavy weight in my heart, and always brings things up in me that I am not always ready to feel. 

tonight, I'm ready. 

Its november. November never really had any significance to me- a few friends birthdays but it was always kind of a lull of a month. Now, November sends me through the craziest of rides- emotional highs and lows, the best and the worst of memories. As we get ready to celebrate these amazing little people who are going to be 2 (what? 2? when did that happen?), my mind drowns in memories of being in the hospital before the babies, those horrible first few days with the babies and the months that followed. I can't stop my mind from thinking about it all- mostly about Shea. It is going to sound so terrible, but I don't actually talk about her too much. I have no problem telling people that Chase and Reilly were triplets, but other than that, I think I try to avoid talking publicly about her. November seems to make that impossible- it seems that every where I turn and everything I do reminds me it- of the service we had for her, the tears that seemed to never end and the fact that she should be here. I know we are lucky to have C&R with us- so lucky. But now that they are older,  I find myself wondering what she would have been like. Who would she have looked like? Would she be more like Chase, Reilly, or her own little self? When they were little, and all so sick, it was easier to say that she was sick and passed, because we were living such a medicalized life that it made sense. But now, with Chase running around like a little mad man and Reilly scooting right behind him, it doesn't seem as easy to explain.  

I was at mass this morning, and the priest said that if there was anyone that we would like a prayer said for, to write their name down in the book and a prayer would be said for the month of November. Ive heard this before, and always think about Shea to myself. But for some reason today, I wanted everyone in that church to know her name and to think of her.  I wanted to shout it out. At my brothers wedding, they included her in their intentions. We talked about this and I was prepared. But when I heard her name, it was like I was hit by lightening- every part of my body shook as I heard it, Shea Kelly Cooper. I don't know how I am supposed to feel, I would like to say I talk about her and to her every day to keep her memory alive but I don't. I find it so hard. I want Chase and Reilly to talk to her and know all about her, but I haven't quite figured out how to do that. As most girls reading this will understand, sometimes all you want is to watch a really sad, depressing movie so that you have a really good cry. Well, I think November is that movie for me. All i want to do is cry. I know there are so many things to be thankful for and happy about, but all i want to do is cry. 

Maybe she's around us more in November, and thats why I feel this heaviness. Whatever it is, I welcome it. Sometimes it feels good to feel. 

I have so much I want to tell you about all the wonderful things that are happening with Chase and Reilly, but I think it should be in a separate update. (I tried doing this one in a separate post but it got lost in blogger land, so I have attached it here. The new, happy update follows)

New Day, New Post:


(I'm going to pretend I didn't post that last blog, the one above called 'November'. As much as I wanted to do so, it feels scary to have those feelings out there. I don't actually feel like crying all the time so when we see you next, don't worry that I will bust into tears at any given second. It was a (few) moments of weakness and vulnerability, but at the same time, it was real emotion and it helped me to get it out, so i posted it). this one won't be as deep- promise. 

I don't even know where to begin! Other than a few pictures posted here and there, most of you must think we still have these two infants housing up with us. Not the case. More like two toddlers taking over our house. The last time we posted was February- Chase wasn't walking yet, and Reilly was still on oxygen. Well let me tell you, things are wayyyy better now. 

1. Chase is walking. And running, jumping, climbing, falling, walking into walls, and everything else busy almost-2-old-boys are doing. 
2. Reilly is off oxygen! She came off in April (technically May if you ask her doctors). We did a few trials and knew she was ready, finally got the go ahead in May to keep her off during the day and was completely oxygen-free by the end of the month. Being oxygen free made for a way more fun summer. The first week without tubes and tanks was so liberating, and then we became so used to it that we quickly forget they were ever there. So thankful that it is all a distant memory now.

enough with the list. Going to try to take my mind back and update you as things happened. 

In May, Reilly was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. We were at a follow up with our paediatrician and the news hit me like a brick wall. We had been warned, we had expected it, but we had also been told along the way that she wasn't showing signs.As parents, we held onto all the positive and completely blocked out everything else. I think we may have even blogged about how happy we were that she beat the odds.  We are still happy, because we know she will beat any odds she puts her mind to. But for now, we work through this. With the first diagnosis, we talked to other therapists involved in her care and everyone was a bit surprised and told us just to give her time. We went for their 18 month follow up at Mt. Sinai in August where they confirmed the diagnosis. At this point though, I had done my research and knew that 'CP' had a lot of different forms and didn't mean the same thing for everyone. It means that she doesn't have control of her muscles, due to a complication at birth (could be her tiny size, brain bleed, NICU trauma, etc). If you've held her ever, you can feel the tightness in her legs. Its as if her muscles are seized up and she can't relax them. She can, but when she wants to move, or stand, or sit, or really do anything that requires any effort- her tone kicks in, and makes everything tight so that she can focus on what she is trying to do. She scrunches her toes together, and when I asked the physiotherapist why, she said- imagine trying to walk on ice, to find your balance you tighten your toes and tip toe across- thats what she is doing- just trying to find any sort of stability to help her do whatever it is she is trying to do. She has made wonderful gains though in the past few months. She goes to Kidsability for Physio, OT and Speech Therapy every week and she can scoot around the floor faster than you can imagine. She can now sit independently for a few seconds, and is getting stronger every week. This week she will be fitted for braces, called A. F. Os that will fit into her shoes and go upto her knees- to help keep her off her tip toes and to help her stand with more stability. She has been using a stander- on load from kidsability and will soon hopefully have her very own at home. The stander straps her in at her little bum and lets her stand and play like any other toddler. She has a slew of exercises that she hates but that she does with us everyday.  She is the most determined little lady you've ever seen, works three times as hard as the rest of us to do the simplest task, and all with a gigantic smile across her face. Its so special to see her and Chase playing together- last night they were chasing each other through the tunnel. He has such patience as he waits for her to come through, and she has such determination that he doesn't get too far ahead of her. I could tear up at any given second watching her scoot around- the amount of work it takes her to manoeuvre around- but she is so happy to do it. 

Another part of Reillys story is her feeding.  She loves dry, crunch foods like goldfish and veggie sticks. Sometimes eats cheese, pasta, yogurt and raspberries. And other than that, she refuses to eat. 99% of her diet is made up of Pediasure- like Ensure but for kids. Its gross, she doesn't like it, and it makes her throw up. But she can't eat enough solids to provide a healthy diet. This makes things challenging. Up until about a week ago we were still feeding her throughout the night because she wasn't consuming enough calories throughout the day. We are in the process of trying to train her to sleep during the night and eat more during the day. Its a trial period but all fingers are crossed! For months, every time you fed her- she would throw up. Not only did this mean tons of laundry, but she began to develop an aversion that she never wanted to eat. Slowly this is coming around and she is more and more interested in food. A glutton (like her bro) in training! 

Chase is in daycare now! Part of his 18 month assessment showed a concern for his speech. He hardly even babbled, and didn't have any words. They suggested trying day care to see if the other kids could influence his speech. Well, so far so good. In September he started at a home day care around the corner and he is now babbling away and saying things like, mama, dada, katie, bubbles, purple, rei rei and gaga (grandma). He seems to really enjoy it, and this gives me time to take Reilly to her therapy and do things that we can't do when Chase is with us- like swimming! 

Other than those major things, not too much has happened- we went to a gorgeous cottage for a week, it was cold, but it was our first time away with the kids which was great. They made their wedding debut at Katie and Kevins wedding in August which was adorable and they have made us fall so deeply in love with them that (most days) we forget all the crazy things we've been through. They are elmo-crazy, car-obsessed, book worms who love to be on the go. I can't believe they are going to be 2. Time can slow down now. When they were little we just wanted to get through it, to get to a time that everything was okay and life would feel normal again. Well, here we are and they can stop growing any time now. 

I can't imagine the trouble we'll get into with two-year-old toddler twins. here are some photos from the past few months (not in any order) - many of you have seen most of these but its fun to see how much they have changed and grown. 

thanks for checking in. xo. 

(forgot to mention above that we had a little celebration at the end of May - to celebrate being home 1 year. Everyone who came brought books to donate to Ronald McDonald House in Toronto. We dropped the books off in August - the team at RMH was so thankful and said half would go to their library in the house and half would be given to families that night- thanks again to everyone who donated xx)

(yes, thats Chase!) 

 At Kevin and Katie's wedding

 This is one of the chairs we tested out for Rei- Chase loved it!

Reilly in her snazzy new stander